WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE: Vegan cheese.

FIRST BITE THOUGHTS: This isn't bad.

SECOND BITE SMACKDOWN: This is the worst thing I've ever eaten in my life. What does drywall taste like? In my head, it tastes exactly like this. Brace yourself for the aftertaste.

NUTRITIONALLY SPEAKING: A 1" cube is 90 calories with 20% of your Vitamin B12 and calcium needs, no sugar, and 1g protein. Not bad, not exactly a health food--kind of like eating apples and marshmallow fluff.

SERVE IT WITH: Enough Shiraz to where anything would taste good or a super-seasoned cracker.

FINAL THOUGHTS: All of the self-congratulatory descriptions on the label should've given it away--it's not just dairy-free, it's "deliciously" dairy-free; it's not just crafted, it's "artfully" crafted; and it's not just a block--it's a "farmhouse" block. Apparently, for those who want to sample cardboard sludge, this cheese features creepy meltable properties as well.